A Limp In The Road

When you have an accident and end up in the hospital, the best part of the whole experience is being surrounded by people who care about you and are worried for you. It's supposed to remind you how much you're loved and the beauty of empathy.

The worst part of my experience is coming home to an empty apartment, feeling no reassuring arms around my shoulders. I feel only the shock hitting me like the cold waves of an untamed sea.

The family dynamic is flawed. Parents have the right to demand what they please of you, and until you turn 18, they're supposed to be in charge. Some kids that rebel and do whatever the hell they want all through teenage-hood don't end up as bad people. They get a few more wild memories, maybe a few more scars, but they're usually loved all the same. It was listening to directions that brought me misery. The dynamic only works with sobriety, I suppose.

My mother, drunk as she was, called multiple times during the night after I'd been sent to the hospital from having a moped accident. Her mood went from concerned to caring, from loving to insensitive, and finally became nothing short of mean. Demanded to return home to be by myself, I sit alone with only my pain. Nothing more.

Don't be afraid of me

Today, as I waited for the bus to arrive, a drunk man sat between me and a classmate on a bench. He mumbled a few slurred words at us and, curious, I pulled my headphones from my ears to listen. I didn't say anything but he looked at me with his blue eyes every few moments. Over and over again he would murmur things to the girl on his other side, and she'd politely respond as best she could. He mentioned things like his kids and his divorce over and over again. He repeatedly said he'd messed up again by coming to talk to us, that his kids would be angry with him again. Finally, he turned to me and his eyebrows wrinkled together. "Why are so... so scared of me? You don't need to be afraid," he said. I only then realized I'd subconsciously been leaning over the arm rest, as far away from him as possible without falling out of the seat.

If body language really does make up most of what we say, I'm going to need to start paying more attention.

Revamping

Finland is such a beautiful place, with a view from every corner that is too perfect. The air is fresh and makes me feel ashamed to spend even a minute indoors. Even when it's raining, I just want to run outside and sing myself silly in the rain : ) maybe that's what I'll do later.

Writing

Is it wrong to create something and then ignore it for 6 months at a time? I wonder why I make promises I do not keep, and why, even as I realize this, I keep making them.

Writing is fun and it's difficult to become bored, but it requires time and patience, both virtues and gifts that must not be taken for granted.

This blog was started to remind me that I must, must speak my mind. Keeping it all in will balloon me, and eventually all the pressure will make it rapture, and destroy everything. There is no next time.

How come we can't just be honest?